Playing Hard to Get vs. High Value: Know the Difference

By Dr. Preeti Mistry

As human beings, we tend to value what we can’t get easily. It’s almost instinctive. The moment something feels rare, hard to access, or slightly out of reach, our minds attach meaning to it. We assume it must be special. We assume it must be important. We assume that if it’s not readily available, it must be worth chasing.

And in so many areas of life, that conditioning makes sense. Scarcity drives desire. Scarcity drives urgency. Scarcity drives motivation. We’re influenced by FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and we’ve all felt that pull at some point. The pull to want something more simply because it feels like we might lose the chance to have it.

But when it comes to dating and relationships, that same wiring can lead us in the wrong direction.

Because relationships are not objects, they are not goods, they are not experiences we collect, nor are they prizes to win. Relationships are emotional spaces, and emotional spaces require a completely different kind of discernment. In love, what matters isn’t who feels rare, elusive, or difficult to reach. What matters is who is actually capable of showing up, meeting you halfway, and building something real with you.

And yet, I see so many people still confuse emotional unavailability with value.

That’s why this conversation matters.

There is a major difference between playing hard to get and being high value. And if you’ve ever found yourself caught in a pattern of chasing people who are inconsistent, hot-and-cold, or unclear, it’s worth asking yourself whether you’ve unknowingly been conditioned to believe that unavailability is what makes someone desirable.

Why “Hard to Get” Isn’t the Same as High Value

When someone is inconsistent, when they disappear and reappear, when they give you just enough attention to keep you hoping but not enough consistency to feel secure, it triggers something in the mind and the body. You start thinking about them more, replaying conversations, analyzing what they meant, and wondering what you could do differently. And what makes this so tricky is that it starts to feel like chemistry (which we mistake for real connection), when in reality, it’s often your nervous system responding to uncertainty.

That’s why so many people get hooked on the highs and lows without even realizing it. The anticipation, the excitement, the overthinking, the emotional pull. And then when they finally come back around, it feels like relief. It feels like validation. It feels like you “won.”

And this reminds me of a line from the movie "He’s Just Not That Into You", where the character Gigi says, “Maybe I’m the exception.”

No, you’re not the exception.

And I don’t say that in a harsh way. I say it because it’s the moment you stop trying to be the exception that you finally stop abandoning yourself. And when you finally understand your worth, you become high value.

One of the most powerful shifts you can make in dating is learning to let behavior speak louder than your hope.

Not their potential.

Not the version of them you’re projecting.

Not the story you’re holding onto because you want it to work.

But their actual behavior, consistently over time, will always tell you how they feel and what they’re capable of.

The moment you start entertaining subpar behavior, you begin to cancel out your own worth. You start giving away your power without realizing it. You start performing, overextending, tolerating inconsistency, shrinking your needs, and jumping through hoops, all in the hope that one day they will finally choose you. But love isn’t something you earn, and a healthy relationship is not built on one person chasing while the other stays just out of reach.

That’s also why the idea of being “high value” gets so misunderstood. High value isn’t about being cold, distant, or hard to access. High value is about being grounded in who you are. It’s emotional maturity, self-respect, having standards, and the ability to uphold them without needing to manipulate, perform, or play games.

A high value person can be warm, open, and genuinely interested, while still being discerning about who they give their time and energy to. They are not afraid to choose you back. They communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable to them, not as a power play, but as an expression of self-respect. Because the truth is, you don’t build real connection through distance, you build it through warmth, clarity, and consistency.

Warmth is what brings people in, and emotional safety is what makes them stay.

And this is where the real work begins.

Because if you don’t believe you’re worthy of consistency, you will normalize inconsistency. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of emotional safety, you will keep calling chaos chemistry.

So ask yourself honestly, when you go on dates, are you trying to impress somebody, or are you evaluating whether they fit into your life?

Are you trying to be chosen, or are you learning how to choose wisely?

Because the moment you stop dating from the energy of proving yourself is the moment you start dating from self-respect.

Final Words

I get it. It’s tempting to want to be the woman who finally tames the wild one. It’s tempting to believe that if you just stay a little longer, love a little harder, and prove yourself a little more, you’ll be the one they finally choose. But at what cost?

Because becoming high value isn’t about being hard to get. It isn’t about acting indifferent, pretending you don’t care, or shrinking your needs just to seem “cool.” High value is about becoming deeply rooted in your own worth, so you stop tolerating inconsistency, stop excusing subtle disrespect, and stop making room for someone who only shows up when it’s convenient. You don’t need to chase what’s unavailable. You don’t need to tame anyone. You simply start choosing people who are already capable of meeting you.

If you’re ready to invest in yourself so you can become the kind of woman who leads

herself with love and stops abandoning herself in dating, let’s talk. You can book a complimentary strategy call here, and we’ll explore what keeps showing up in your dating life, what patterns you keep coming up against, and what it would look like to move forward with more clarity, confidence, and self-trust.

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Dr. Preeti Mistry is a Certified and Accredited Conscious Leadership and Relationship Coach with over a decade of experience in corporate dentistry. She specializes in helping high-achieving women in medicine and dentistry lead well from within, cultivating emotional intelligence, communication skills, and self-trust to transform their professional and personal relationships. You can learn more about her here.