Why Setting Boundaries Still Feels Impossible (Even When You Know Better)
- Preeti Mistry
- May 22
- 5 min read
By Dr. Preeti Mistry
Imagine it is a Wednesday night. You just got home from a twelve-hour shift.
You have changed into your pajamas. You have poured yourself a glass of water (maybe even wine). You have finally, finally exhaled. And then your phone lights up.
It is your close friend calling, not texting. Which means it is not a small thing.
"Hey, I'm in town and was wondering if I could come stay with you this weekend?"
Friday is in two days.
You are standing in your kitchen, phone pressed to your cheek, and you feel the familiar tightening in your chest. You are exhausted. You have back-to-back days at the clinic, a pile of laundry you have not touched in a week, and absolutely no bandwidth for a houseguest, not even one you love. Your body knows the answer. Your body is practically screaming it.
But what you say is, "Of course. Come."
You say it before you even finish the thought. You say it the way you have always said it, the way you have been saying it your whole life, automatically, reflexively, as if your needs are always the last thing to be factored in.
After you hang up, you stand there in your kitchen for a long moment.
And then you start cleaning.
Does any part of that story feel familiar?
Maybe it wasn't a friend asking to stay over. Maybe it was a family member showing up with an expectation. A colleague who assumes you will cover for them. A man you have been seeing who cancels last minute, again, and instead of saying something, you just say, "No worries."
The details are different. The feeling is the same.
You knew what you needed. You just could not bring yourself to say it.
This is not a character flaw. It is conditioning.
Here is what most people get wrong about boundaries: they think that if you understand what a boundary is, you should be able to set one. That knowledge is enough. That it is simply a matter of learning the right words and then using them.
But for many of us, especially women of South Asian descent, the block is not intellectual. It never was.
From a very young age, you learned a different set of rules. Put others first, always. Do not rock the boat. Having needs is selfish. Being too much makes you unpleasant and no one will want to marry you. And so you learned to shrink. To accommodate. To make yourself easy to be around, easy to love, easy to keep.
You were not born feeling invisible. You were taught to be a nice wallflower.
And here is what that costs you, not just emotionally, but in real and tangible ways.
What happens when your needs go unspoken.
You attract people who take your kindness for granted, because you have never shown them where your kindness ends and your limits begin. You go on dates where you feel unseen, where the conversation centers him and you just... let it. You say yes to things that drain you and then wonder why you feel so hollow. You give everything in your friendships and your relationships and quietly, slowly, begin to resent it, without quite being able to name why.
Without boundaries, people do not get to know you. They only get to know your compliance.
And the saddest part? You are so accomplished. You are so capable. You have worked so hard to become the woman you are. And still, somehow, you find yourself feeling invisible in the very spaces where you should feel most seen.
That is not bad luck. That is the direct and predictable result of living without a voice.
What changes when you finally speak.
I will tell you what I know from the other side of this, because I have lived it.
There came a point in my own life when I realized that every relationship I was in, romantic, professional, extended family, every single one, was built on a version of me that had been edited for other people's comfort. I was performing belonging instead of actually belonging. I was so afraid of rocking the boat that I had made myself too little.
Learning to set boundaries did not make me hard. It made me honest. It made me more authentic.
The clients I work with describe it like finally being able to breathe in a room they had been holding their breath in for years. They give themselves permission to be themselves. They start showing up as who they actually are, and they discover something that surprises them every time: the right people do not leave, but rather they lean in closer.
The dates that actually go somewhere start to look different. The friendships that light you up start to multiply. And the ones that were only comfortable with your silence? They reveal themselves for exactly what they were.
What a boundary actually is.
A boundary is not a wall. It is not a punishment. It is not about becoming cold or hard or difficult.
A boundary is a map that shows others how to treat you. It is one of the most loving things you can offer another person, and it is one of the most loving things you can offer yourself.
It is saying: "Here is who I am. Here is what I need. Here is how you can show up for me."
And no, it does not always feel comfortable in the beginning. There will be moments of guilt, moments of doubt, moments where someone you love looks at you differently and you feel the urge to take it all back. That is not a sign you are wrong. That is a sign that something is changing.
A true boundary is relational, not a demand or an ultimatum. It's not about winning or shutting someone out. It holds space for what you need and for what the relationship needs too. When both people can do that, something real gets built. (Unless of course someone is giving you the creeps, in which case, a hard "no" is a complete sentence and you do not owe anyone a single word of explanation.)
You do not have to figure this out alone
If this landed somewhere real in you, if you recognized yourself as the woman in that kitchen at the beginning of this article, or in the dates that go nowhere, or in the friendships that feel one-sided, I want you to know that this is exactly what I do.
On July 16th, I am hosting a live virtual masterclass called The Art of Setting Boundaries: Finding Your Voice in Love and Life, specifically for high-achieving South Asian women who are ready to stop feeling invisible and start being truly seen. It is intimate, it is live, and it is going to be worth your while.
I would love for you to be in the room.
And if you know someone who should be there too, please do not hesitate to share this with them.
Dr. Preeti Mistry is a certified and accredited Conscious Dating, Relationship and Self-Leadership Coach and the founder & CEO of Best Self Forward LLC. She works with high-achieving women who want to lead themselves well from within and helps them form the kind of fulfilling connections they have always wanted by finding their voice and returning home to themselves.
Interested in bringing a meaningful workshop or masterclass experience to your community of women? Schedule a conversation with Preeti to explore what is possible.
